"Lub, lub, lubs"

I was a very outspoken child and probably had the real ADHD. This did not seem to be a common diagnosis for girls as it was for boys. I talked and misbehaved so much, that I would get my name put on the blackboard (first warning) and then subsequent checkmarks would follow (each was an indiscretion). I was discouraged from answering questions and given up on very quickly. I did not get along with girls in traditional ways and found myself outcast because I could not live up to the roles of girlhood. The bonding of females at my school was very “clique-ish” and I did not find that many females wanted to bond in return. In fact, it was very competitive. There was no sense of community as in Radhika’s article when she says “As these girls wheel their way to their schools, they are not only happy about realising their dreams of pursuing higher education but are also setting an example for other girls in their village” (Radhika). Like Laura Lowe in “A Retelling of the Black-Letter Days and the Fine Line That Ties Them Together,” I felt that “Personalities make me claustrophobic” (Lowe, 86). I only wish I had the strength to regard the others’ opinions and gossip that she had, just as “lub lub lubs”(Lowe, 89). I lived in a small town which made everything very claustrophic indeed.

I was not a fan of the prom and I certainly did not have the money for a dress. My mother was not even concerned about it nor did she consider the dress element to be important. A friend lent me a dress on two separate occasions (nothing like the wealthier girls wore). “…A sexy and often revealing prom dress symbolizes a way to negotiate the sexual terrain of school” (Best, 200). This partially caused me to not care but I was not excited to go spend time with people I didn’t really care for. I wore dresses but I was not glamorous enough for the prom. “Scripted by contemporary notions of romance and “the feminine,” high school proms are conventionally thought to be domain of girls” (Best, 195). I wondered, aren’t I supposed to be a natural at this sort of thing? “Constructed as such, the prom is a site where girls are expected to be deeply invested because they can use this space to solidify and display their feminine identities” (Best, 195). I didn’t even know my identity well enough to display it. I felt like everyone was waiting to see what my transformation would be like, only to be reassured that my beauty and femininity was not as strong as theirs. “…The entrance to the prom site was arranged so that these girls could be looked upon by others, most often by other girls” (Best, 196). Even the boys at my school were snobby and wanted to see some sort of transformation in the girls. “There is tremendous pleasure in the project of self-change, in becoming somebody other than who they are in school” (Best, 196).