Catching Up..

Hey loves!!! So I woke up at 3 in the morning with horrible anxiety and decided I needed to catch up on the past blogs. My name is Nessa. I am a senior and next Spring I will receive my Bachelors of Arts in Legal Studies. These past few years at school have been so crazy! I've been through a lot dealing with my house being robbed, crashing my car, falling in love, getting engaged, realizing I'm engaged to a drug addict, watching him be in a coma for 7 days because of a drug overdose, my friend has been murdered, my other friend is on attempted murdered charges, I've been arrested twice this month, etc. That is a lot. And thats just in the past year and a half. But even though I've been through so much, for some reason I haven't lost my faith in God. See, I used to have the big dream of becoming a big shot lawyer and making a lot of money, but now my dreams have changed. I want to spread the word of God to others, and that is why I plan on going to seminary school next year to receive my Masters in Christian Counseling. I am so xcited!! I couldn’t tell you the reason why I added this class to my schedule, but I can tell you that I think God did it for a reason. I am dealing with a lot and it feels good knowing I can just come to this blog, rant, and feel good from it. That's why I am in this class.

I'm listening to Against Me "Trash Unreal". I love this song. Let me post the lyrics.

If she wants to dance and drink all night,
Well there's no one that can stop her.
She's going until the house lights come up,
Or her stomach spills onto the floor.
This night is going to end, When we're damn well ready for it to be over.
Worked all week long now,
The music is playing on our time.
Yeah we do what we do to get by,
And then we need a release.
You get mixed up with the wrong guys,
You get messed up on the wrong drugs
. Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn't really plan on going,
When people see the track marks on her arms.
She knows what they're thinking,
She keeps on working for that minimum.
As if a high school education gave you any other options.
They don't know nothing about redemption,
They don't know nothing about recovery.
Some people just aren't, The type for marriage and family
.No mother ever dreams that her daughters going to grow up to be a junkie,
No mother ever dreams that her daughters going to grow up to sleep alone.[X2]

She's out of step with the style,
She don't know where the actions happening.
You know the downtown club scene ain't nothing like it used to be,
You reach a point where there's not a lie in the world
.That you could use to make the boys believe your still in you twenties,
Well they just keep gettin younger don't they baby?
She's not waiting for them to come over and ask for the privilege,
She can still here that Rebel Yell just as loud as it was in 1983.
There ain't no Johnny coming home to share a bed with her,
And she doesn't care.

No mother ever dreams that her daughters going to grow up to be a junkie.
No mother ever dreams that her daughters going to grow up to sleep alone.[X3]

If she had to live it all over again you know she wouldn't change, Anything for the world.

Reading the “Anything Extracurricular” section of Red made me realize how different everyone's live really is from mine. There is one girl writing about her love for climbing and another girl that was writing about the death of her family horse. Wow! I've never experienced any of those situations, and reading about these events in these girls lives, probably wasn't the most interesting thing I could be doing at 3 in the morning, BUT it did make me realize how I love reading about people's feelings and emotions. I like to try to figure people out. I wonder what these girls look like, and what they are doing right now and if they are thinking about somebody reading an essay they wrote. How cool is that? Out of this section, "East" written by Erika Kwee, age 16, was my favorite. Erika reminded me of my best friend Angela, I guess. They both are asian and have a very similar personality. My favorite quote is "I learn that everyone loves a girl who never gets upset but that very, very, very few members of the human population possess this genetic makeup." For some reason as I'm listening to Lil wayne now, and reading this book (how much I love noise sometimes) I paused after reading this section. Everyone loves a girl that never gets upset. Has anybody else strived to be that type of girl?? A girl who always looks perfect, never gets mad, and just sits there and smiles. I've tried and failed. Tried and failed. And tried some more and kept on failing. I can't do it. I'm actually dealing with that now. I am trying to be the perfect girl who can deal with everything and anyone, and still have enough strength to get out of bed, and I don't think anyone realizes how hard it is to put a smile on EVERYDAY. I just want to scream and yell, and I can't.

I had to google to find "Your Life as a Girl" by Sittenfield and I came across this girl who has her own blog that is pretty similar to this class’ blog. It was pretty interesting. The link is http://users.livejournal.com/_lindsay_/tag/your+life+as+a+girl if anyone wants to read it. Anyways, I think Sittenfield's essay captures "girlhood".

In my opinion, every girl can relate to at least one of the scenarios that Sittenfield used in her essay. The one I can relate to is "You’ve changed a little. You’ve read magazine articles that discuss other teenage girls who get eating disorders and flunk math, and now you know that you’re a statistic, not a freak. Somewhere inside, you start to feel a little pissed off. You think of the fairy tales your mother read to you when you were small: Cinderella and Snow White and Rapunzel and the rest of their dippy, flaxen-haired sisters. You think of the songs you chanted with the neighborhood kids, tapping each other to see who had to be “it” when you were playing tag or hide-and-seek: “Inka-binka-bottle-of-ink/The cork falls off and you stink/Not because you’re dirty/Not because you’re clean/Just because you kissed the boy behind the magazine.” Or, “My mother and your mother were hanging up clothes/My mother punched your mother in the nose/What color blood came out?” The world has given you two options: You can be a slut or a matron." It's so true. I don't think I have to tell any of you why I think it's true, because you guys are feeling it too. After reading Sittenfields essay, I felt a little depressed, but I kind of felt good about my sadness because I know there is at least one person out there understands me.

Reading Pediatrics was an activity that I could have skipped this morning. That essay just gave me more anxiety. I am so scared something happening to my mom. Things like this are the reason why I’m so accustomed to praying throughout the day.

I envied Anna in The Management. She had an awesome job. That is definitely not a job that I would quit if I had a drunk boss who overpaid his employees. Sounds great to me! The funniest part had to be when she was talking about how people got mad when she brought out the wrong salad dressing. I had to laugh at this, because I think that is the most ridiculous thing to do. That person is handling your food, why would you want to make them angry?????

I have a question. I’ve been listening to a lot of 2pac. Do you believe that as women, we should hate music that uses derogatory words and insults women? In my opinion ,he’s not talking about me so I don’t care, but shouldn’t I care, because he is talking about another women; someone’s daughter, someone’s grand-daughter?

I also just realized how much I do not make sense so early in the morning. When am I going to go back to sleep?? It’s 5:45 now, I usually wake up at 6 every morning. What a crazy day I have in store for me.