The S Word
When I was first introduced to the concept of virginity, I'm pretty sure didn't even have a good concept of what sex was. I couldn't have been older than 7 or 8. I remember watching an episode of Blossom and hearing the term. Noticing that my mother looked a little uncomfortable, I of course asked her "What's a virgin?" Hesitantly she told me, "Someone who has never had sex". Oooooh. The S word. The conversation ended right there. Even though I didn't know all the details, I knew enough about sex to know that it was something that my mother didn't want to talk about. So that was my definition of virginity. It wasn't until a few years later, when I understood all the logistics, that my definition became a little more sophisticated. Now, I would still say that a virgin is someone who has never had sex, but my definition of sex is now penetration (I had never really thought about those in homosexual relationships, but I would assume that some sort of penetration occurs here also). It really shocks me to find out that there is no actual medical definition for virginity (20). To find out that there is no finite way to define something that has such cultural meaning, definitely makes me question how society could put so much meaning into it in the first place.
I grew up in a pretty religious Lutheran family, but the topic of sex really never came up in sermons and such. In middle school, I became friends with a group of kids that went to a Baptist church and I would sometimes go with them to youth services on Wednesday nights. That is where I really started to form most of my ideas about sex and virginity. I was taught that sex outside the confines of marriage is a sin. Also that sex is a gift from God for man and wife, with the main purpose of procreation, and that we shouldn't misuse it. I was given the impression that one of the greatest things a young Christian woman can do is to "wait" for her future husband. At 13 years old, I wanted to be a good Christian, so it seemed reasonable. Looking back at it now, all I can think is, that's one of the greatest things I can do? Nothing? Wouldn't you think that there are better ways that I could give glory to God than simply keeping my legs closed? But at the time, I really believed it would make me a better person. All I had to do to be considered "moral" was to not have sex. Just like Valenti says, "You can be vapid, stupid and unethical, but so long as you've never had sex, you're a "good" girl" (24). The message was "you are not defined by your accomplishments or personality, you are defined by what you don't do" (24-25). These are the ethics of passivity at their finest.
I also think that it is very unfair the way society makes girls out to be “sexual gatekeepers” (108). The idea that women are less sexual than men (40), or that they really only like sex because the media has conditioned them to (107), gives girls the undeserved “responsibility” of governing men’s sexual behavior (108). Girls are given the idea that sex is shameful for them, but that when men have sex its just “boys being boys”. That is pretty much what I thought for a lot of my younger years. I was actually under the impression that when I got to high school, I would be overwhelmed with sexual advances and would have to “keep the boys at bay” because well, “men just can’t help themselves” (109). I was relieved yet somewhat disappointed to find out that this was not the case.
Growing up, my family never, and I mean never, talked about sex. The impression I got was that I was too young to even think about sex so why bother talking about it. This alone gave me the idea that, if we couldn't talk about it, there must be something wrong with it. Why else would my parents be so uncomfortable if the topic was mentioned? Masturbation was out of the question as well. Girls just don’t do that. I was well into high school before I realized that any of my friends did it, and I was so scared to death of my own body that I couldn't even stomach the thought. This could be contributory to the fact that I didn't have sex until I was 21, and to this day I still have issues with it. How was I supposed to let someone else go down there if I couldn't even do it! Valenti says, “we must abandon the idea that women’s bodies are inherently shameful, and that women’s sexuality needs to be restricted” (97). “Girls need information, support and nurture as they move into a sexually empowered adulthood where they can make intelligent and intentional sexual choices for themselves” (80). I think that if someone I trusted had taken the time to talk to me about sex and said something like “your body is beautiful, and sex is a normal part of a woman’s life” my problems with sex could have easily been prevented. And while I know that it is different for every one, I think that it is important that everyone, young girls especially, have the facts and emotional support available to them to be able to make an informed decision about when, where and how they are ready to have sex.
I grew up in a pretty religious Lutheran family, but the topic of sex really never came up in sermons and such. In middle school, I became friends with a group of kids that went to a Baptist church and I would sometimes go with them to youth services on Wednesday nights. That is where I really started to form most of my ideas about sex and virginity. I was taught that sex outside the confines of marriage is a sin. Also that sex is a gift from God for man and wife, with the main purpose of procreation, and that we shouldn't misuse it. I was given the impression that one of the greatest things a young Christian woman can do is to "wait" for her future husband. At 13 years old, I wanted to be a good Christian, so it seemed reasonable. Looking back at it now, all I can think is, that's one of the greatest things I can do? Nothing? Wouldn't you think that there are better ways that I could give glory to God than simply keeping my legs closed? But at the time, I really believed it would make me a better person. All I had to do to be considered "moral" was to not have sex. Just like Valenti says, "You can be vapid, stupid and unethical, but so long as you've never had sex, you're a "good" girl" (24). The message was "you are not defined by your accomplishments or personality, you are defined by what you don't do" (24-25). These are the ethics of passivity at their finest.
I also think that it is very unfair the way society makes girls out to be “sexual gatekeepers” (108). The idea that women are less sexual than men (40), or that they really only like sex because the media has conditioned them to (107), gives girls the undeserved “responsibility” of governing men’s sexual behavior (108). Girls are given the idea that sex is shameful for them, but that when men have sex its just “boys being boys”. That is pretty much what I thought for a lot of my younger years. I was actually under the impression that when I got to high school, I would be overwhelmed with sexual advances and would have to “keep the boys at bay” because well, “men just can’t help themselves” (109). I was relieved yet somewhat disappointed to find out that this was not the case.
Growing up, my family never, and I mean never, talked about sex. The impression I got was that I was too young to even think about sex so why bother talking about it. This alone gave me the idea that, if we couldn't talk about it, there must be something wrong with it. Why else would my parents be so uncomfortable if the topic was mentioned? Masturbation was out of the question as well. Girls just don’t do that. I was well into high school before I realized that any of my friends did it, and I was so scared to death of my own body that I couldn't even stomach the thought. This could be contributory to the fact that I didn't have sex until I was 21, and to this day I still have issues with it. How was I supposed to let someone else go down there if I couldn't even do it! Valenti says, “we must abandon the idea that women’s bodies are inherently shameful, and that women’s sexuality needs to be restricted” (97). “Girls need information, support and nurture as they move into a sexually empowered adulthood where they can make intelligent and intentional sexual choices for themselves” (80). I think that if someone I trusted had taken the time to talk to me about sex and said something like “your body is beautiful, and sex is a normal part of a woman’s life” my problems with sex could have easily been prevented. And while I know that it is different for every one, I think that it is important that everyone, young girls especially, have the facts and emotional support available to them to be able to make an informed decision about when, where and how they are ready to have sex.
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