Sex is not the enemy
This book feels so important- I wish I had read this when I was a pre-teen instead of books about dating that insisted being pure didn’t mean being lonely (because I only have sex because I’m lonely) and that I would be way more fulfilled being a wife and mother than having a career (if you don’t believe me, ask me for the titles). I feel like I could write for hours on this subject. My own upbringing was a tamer version of the one we read about in The Purity Myth¬- I had a “True Love Waits” ceremony in which my dad bought me roses and my parents presented me with a ring I was to wear for Jesus until I got married. Jessica Simpson was totally my hero around that time. (Surprise surprise, Valenti discussed her on page 27).
I fought with my “dirtier” urges for a while (I held out until my freshman year of college!) until a very enlightening conversation with an older, married friend of mine. She told me that my virginity wasn’t the only thing I had to offer my future husband. The fact that I needed to hear that was really telling, to begin with. It was actually that conversation that sealed the deal for me, and I got on birth control that week. I was brought up with implications that the more sex I had before I was married, the “dirtier” of a wife I would be, and I’d have less and less to offer. That every time my future husband had sex with me, he’d be having sex with all of my past partners as well, and it would eventually ruin the relationship (ending in divorce, unemployment, and eventually death, of course. And maybe a miscarriage).
It took me months after my first time having sex to finally rid myself of the guilty feeling- this came when I had the liberating realization that wait, I don’t even have to get married! Please note that I was almost an adult by the time I came to this conclusion, and yes, I mostly blame my Christian upbringing and education.
In high school I might have said one is a virgin until the actual moment of intercourse. Now, as Valenti discussed around page 20, I wonder where that leaves lesbians? I wonder what would happen if we were all allowed to decide what virginity meant to us, individually. The “Virginity Mystery” also brings to mind what Valenti noted as the awkward boy/saintly girl dual meaning. That really bugs me, even just logically. If virginity is purely about heterosexual intercourse, this makes sex ultimately dirty and shameful for unmarried women and virginity ultimately humiliating and emasculating for unmarried men. And, because the same people that believe this generally believe that men are the stronger sex, the women is then faced with the “whore”/“cold bitch” double bind.
Valenti’s discussion on the “similarity between purity and porned culture” disturbed me, to say the least (96). I get sad and frustrated thinking about the girls that are getting the same education I did about their own sexuality, and I really liked Valenti’s plan to “abandon the idea that women’s bodies are inherently shameful, and that women’s sexuality needs to be restricted.” I feel that if we are able to do this, both the pressures for girls to be pure or “porned” would mean a lot less and not only would they be empowered and comfortable in their own sexuality, but empowered in the sense that they know and show that they are so much more than their bodies.
I'm tired now- this discussion so frustrates me and wears me out (especially when I started looking up books I used to read in high school- one of the chapters of one of the books was "If what you're showing isn't on the menu, keep it covered up!" and from another book (about the "lies" girls are bombarded with daily): "LIE: Having a "career" will be more fulfilling than being "just" a wife and mother"). I feel it's really important to discuss the fetishization of girls and the damage it causes to girls and women alike, too, though. Valenti says it way better than I could, though, in her section "Our hymens, ourselves?" on page 79. "That's what we need to be fighting for- a nuanced, respectful, informed vision of sexuality for young girls. Because what we have now- sexualization and fetishization- is hurting girls every day."
As a side note, my title for this blog post is a title of a great Garbage song that is fairly related to the purity obsession, if you ask me. (like so:
I won't feel guilty
No matter what they are telling me
I won't feel dirty an buy into their misery
I won't be shamed cause I believe that love is free
It fuels the heart and sex is not the enemy)
Here, have a watch.
I fought with my “dirtier” urges for a while (I held out until my freshman year of college!) until a very enlightening conversation with an older, married friend of mine. She told me that my virginity wasn’t the only thing I had to offer my future husband. The fact that I needed to hear that was really telling, to begin with. It was actually that conversation that sealed the deal for me, and I got on birth control that week. I was brought up with implications that the more sex I had before I was married, the “dirtier” of a wife I would be, and I’d have less and less to offer. That every time my future husband had sex with me, he’d be having sex with all of my past partners as well, and it would eventually ruin the relationship (ending in divorce, unemployment, and eventually death, of course. And maybe a miscarriage).
It took me months after my first time having sex to finally rid myself of the guilty feeling- this came when I had the liberating realization that wait, I don’t even have to get married! Please note that I was almost an adult by the time I came to this conclusion, and yes, I mostly blame my Christian upbringing and education.
In high school I might have said one is a virgin until the actual moment of intercourse. Now, as Valenti discussed around page 20, I wonder where that leaves lesbians? I wonder what would happen if we were all allowed to decide what virginity meant to us, individually. The “Virginity Mystery” also brings to mind what Valenti noted as the awkward boy/saintly girl dual meaning. That really bugs me, even just logically. If virginity is purely about heterosexual intercourse, this makes sex ultimately dirty and shameful for unmarried women and virginity ultimately humiliating and emasculating for unmarried men. And, because the same people that believe this generally believe that men are the stronger sex, the women is then faced with the “whore”/“cold bitch” double bind.
Valenti’s discussion on the “similarity between purity and porned culture” disturbed me, to say the least (96). I get sad and frustrated thinking about the girls that are getting the same education I did about their own sexuality, and I really liked Valenti’s plan to “abandon the idea that women’s bodies are inherently shameful, and that women’s sexuality needs to be restricted.” I feel that if we are able to do this, both the pressures for girls to be pure or “porned” would mean a lot less and not only would they be empowered and comfortable in their own sexuality, but empowered in the sense that they know and show that they are so much more than their bodies.
I'm tired now- this discussion so frustrates me and wears me out (especially when I started looking up books I used to read in high school- one of the chapters of one of the books was "If what you're showing isn't on the menu, keep it covered up!" and from another book (about the "lies" girls are bombarded with daily): "LIE: Having a "career" will be more fulfilling than being "just" a wife and mother"). I feel it's really important to discuss the fetishization of girls and the damage it causes to girls and women alike, too, though. Valenti says it way better than I could, though, in her section "Our hymens, ourselves?" on page 79. "That's what we need to be fighting for- a nuanced, respectful, informed vision of sexuality for young girls. Because what we have now- sexualization and fetishization- is hurting girls every day."
As a side note, my title for this blog post is a title of a great Garbage song that is fairly related to the purity obsession, if you ask me. (like so:
I won't feel guilty
No matter what they are telling me
I won't feel dirty an buy into their misery
I won't be shamed cause I believe that love is free
It fuels the heart and sex is not the enemy)
Here, have a watch.
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