Perfect virgins, dirty girls

Coming up with a definition for virginity was very difficult for me. I never actually had to think about how I would define it. I would characterize virginity as not having had sexual contact or a sexual experience. However, I did not always view it this way. I was taught that being a “virgin” meant not participating in vaginal intercourse. In high school I realized that this definition totally excluded the gay and lesbian population. This is when I sought out a new definition.

I grew up in a Christian household where my parents always preached abstinence and saving sex until marriage. I always thought that my parents were hypocritical because they themselves had premarital sex, which ultimately lead to an unplanned pregnancy (ME!). My mom would tell me that she was worried about my well-being and did not want me to make the same mistakes she did, or end up being in a failing relationship or becoming a single parent at a young age.

Being abstinent and chaste was relentlessly drilled into my head as a teenager. It got to the point where I actually developed a fear of sex. My parents would constantly throw statistics at me about STI’s, the failure rate of condoms, and the emotional damage premarital sex can have on you. Valenti mentions that “the increase in STIs is a result not of casual sex, but instead of the predictable outcome of teaching a generation of young people that contraception doesn’t work” (60). This statement brought me back to my high school sex education classes. I remember them separating the boys from the girls (I never understood why they did this. Did we not learn the same thing?), and using their “scare tactics” to influence our views on sex. Valenti discusses abstinence-only classes and pledging to remain “pure” (31). I was also one of those girls who grudgingly signed a little card pledging to remain abstinent and save sex for marriage. Even though I disagreed, I was too scared to discard the card and not sign it.

It upset me to read the some of the comments in Valenti’s book made by abstinence educators regarding sexually active young women. We are described as “dirty,” “impure,” “bare stems,” and the most shocking, “used lollipops.” It really frustrates me that this whole virginity movement solely focuses on girls. You never read that guys should save sex until marriage. Everything is always directed towards young women; you can even see it on billboards that read, “Wait for the bling” and “The ultimate wedding gift is your virginity” (39). We should be instilling other values such as self-respect, confidence, pride and self-worth instead of only focusing on purity.

I really hope that one day virginity won’t be viewed as a commodity. Valenti says is perfectly at the end of chapter two: “By colluding with the cultural obsession over young women’s sexuality, the virginity movement not only gets extra attention from the mainstream, it also ties women’s sexuality with its larger agenda – to roll back all women’s rights.”

Comments

♥ Tara said…
I can relate to you on the "fear of sex" thing. From everything I was taught in school, in church and little bits that I got from my parents, I grew up thinking that if I ever did decide to have sex before I was married, I would regret it. Not only was I almost positive to get an STI or become pregnant, it just wasn't even possible to really enjoy sex until you were married. For me though it was a lack of information that really gave me my fear of sex. I know my parents did the best they could but sometimes I wish that we could have been more open about the topic. My "sex talk" consisted of:
"You're not planning on having sex anytime soon are you?".
Embarrassed, "No".
"Thank God. You shouldn't do that until you are married. You know that right?"
More embarrassed. "Yeah I know. Can we not talk about this."
Thanks Mom. I do think that this lack of information about sex and my body really did me a disservice. My first time was a horrible experience. I wont go into details, lets just say it was bad. Luckily the guy (my now husband) was very patient with me, and still continues to be. I am happy to say that now I am much more comfortable with my body and sex, but I really think that had my parents taken the time to talk to me openly and honestly about sex some of my sexual issues would have been prevented (not that my parents even really know that Ive had any sexual issues, it's still a "don't ask don't tell" kind of thing).

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