Let's Talk About Sex

First of all I need to begin this post by commenting on how engaging and – I’m finding a hard time searching for other words – great Valenti’s “The Purity Myth” is to read. It breathes new life into the concepts of virginity and purity that so many girls and women have become all too familiar with. Thinking back, never have I truly considered the very substance of the virginity concept. I’ve always considered virginity to mean that one hasn’t participated in vaginal intercourse, although, as many fellow posters and Valenti writes, that definition means that the entire LBGTQ population is chaste. My definition of virginity came from years of sexual education, in both Catholic religious education, the home and in public schools from Texas to Massachusetts to Florida. Though the approach to sexual education differed slightly from place to place (my education in Massachusetts public school addressed information about condom use instead of taking an abstinence-only approach) none of the programs included any reference to sexual activity other than vaginal intercourse. All the programs did include the token “however, abstinence is the only certain way to prevent STDs [they were STDs back when I was in sex-ed], HIV infection and pregnancy.”

And, therein is the root of the ethics of passivity, the fact that doing nothing is the “greatest thing we can do” as females (Valenti 24). I’ve seen the ethics of passivity play out in various aspects of my life, although the sexual aspects of that ethical code are most apparent. Girls don’t ask boys on dates. Girls don’t ‘make the first move.’ And, of course, good girls don’t have sex. Outside of the sexual realm real girls don’t watch sports, don’t like or excel at math or science, don’t, don’t, don’t. As Valenti writes “we’re defined by what we don’t do” (Valenti 25). But as Valenti writes, passivity or simply not doing, an idea that is a driving force behind the virginity movement, does not equal morality. Rather our girls, and our boys for that matter, should be learning that kindness in the form of striking up a conversation with the outsider in class despite what everyone says or helping pick up a stranger’s scattered notebooks is the substance of morality. Morality means making the decision that best displays respect for oneself as well as others regardless of what others think. Our girls should know that morality really has very little to do with sexuality, that the idea that “our moral compass lies somewhere between our legs” is simply ridiculous (Valenti 13). Although sexuality can be acted out in such a way that it hurts others, much as the swing of a fist in anger or a vicious rumor spread in jealousy, it is not the end-all-be-all of moral decision making. At the root of all of this is the fact that our girls should be doing instead of ‘not doing.’

Still the sexuality is a major part of the morality discussion. Growing up I can honestly say that I was never taught that sex or female sexuality was “dirty.” It certainly wasn’t constructed as straight-out positive, rather it was completely ignored it seems. Looking back it was as though women didn’t have sexuality worth talking about. Boys were the ones with uncontrollable urges and fantasies. Girls just didn’t do that. This is a strange confession but I actually recollect learning the most about female sexuality through reading. My parents had books that dealt with sex and left them out on the bookshelf for whatever reason. In these books I privately learned about the female orgasm, clitoris, G-spot, creative sex, etc. They were spoken of in a candid, almost scientific and instructional nature, though I do recall feeling guilty after reading them. I suppose the void sex-ed left allowed me to explore and fill on my own. I, a bookworm, turned to books to educate myself. Other girls, however, approach their sexuality and sex with a partner with little knowledge (a result of the virginity movement), a factor that often leads to the very things the movement claims to prevent (pregnancy, STIs, etc.). I think talking candidly about sexuality with young boys and girls from the “where do babies come from?” inquiry on into adolescence is the key to create a more positive vision around all sexuality and a way to better prevent teen pregnancy and STIs.

Obviously kids shouldn’t be shown pornography or over-sexualized in other ways, but they don’t deserve to have their questions or sexuality discussed under a shroud of embarrassment. That sets the tone for all future sex discussions, giving the child the impression that they’re asking about something dirty and dangerous rather than natural. Sex feels good for pretty much everyone. Let’s just say it to our youth. It’s natural to feel sexual desire, man or woman. But life isn’t about being selfish and simply moving from what feels good to what feels good. That’s a life lesson, not just a sex lesson. Allowing girls to express and explore their sexuality means instilling the ‘doing’ spirit, it means handing them their bodies, giving them responsibility and making them active guardians of their own sexuality. Forget father’s being the keeper’s of their daughter’s chastity via “Purity Balls.” As Max P. writes on the Progressive Puppy blog, the “idea that fathers can’t interact with their daughters without modeling a romantic relationship is a really disturbing one.” Let our girls date or buy that bikini if they feel like it. Let them choose to wait until marriage to have sex and wear turtlenecks. Either way instill in girls a self-respect and empowerment that debunks the ethics of passivity and allows them to actively define their sexuality rather than having it dished out to them.