The "F" Word
Forgive me. I saw the post before mine and couldn't resist. We did call it the "F" word though. Are nice girls allowed to do that?
I was a "prude." I was flirty so I was a "tease." I did not know that I had to deliver something to the boys to be considered good but of course, then I would have been considered bad. A boyfriend lied about sleeping with me (I was a virgin) and I had no idea for years. So, I was a slut. A virgin slut. It's such a conundrum where boys are inappropriate with us and if we respond in any capacity; we're a tease. Screw them and all the boys who sexually joke with me and think I like it and think I'm a bitch if I don't. In fact, years ago this boy tried to ruin my current six-year relationship when it started because I went over to his house (which happened to be my male co-workers shared place). I said the "F" word once or twice and when I finally met my current beau, the roommate of my friend told him that I tried to get with all the guys in the apartment. The sad part is that he REALLY thought that. It never crossed my mind. Later, in public, I asked when we were all going to get together and do the "F" word. Jerk.
When I was in high school, the “Secondary Virginity” concept was part of our sex-education classes. I don’t remember much of it other than girls proclaiming their secondary virginity and the boys got to pass around “Tommy Testicle” to check for lumps. They of course, were segregated from the girls. I found the book so far to be disturbing because it did not occur to me to think about abstinence-only education in that way. I agreed with the author and it makes me reflect further on what to teach my daughter. Certainly, we need to explain the proper uses of birth control because as the studies have shown, lying to our children doesn’t work. We need to help the young girls, who are thirteen, want to have a baby and prostitute themselves. After all, what perpetuated that?
I immediately thought along the lines of “Integrity Balls” when I thought about virginity and boys. It seemed to me that boys were wanted to keep their virginity so that the girls would be safe. It’s like thinking, “Here’s a guy I can ALMOST trust around our daughters.” It kind of sickened me. “Instead of pledging their virginities to their mothers, however, the young men and boys in this ball vow not to sully someone’s daughter or future wife” (Valenti 67). That seems to be the main time that boys are held accountable but it still as if we hold the major commodity. “Making women the sexual gatekeepers and telling men they just can’t help themselves not only drives home the point that women’s sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men’s sexual behavior”(Valenti 109). The part of the book so far that has impacted me the most was when the author said “…But I fail to see how anything that lasts less than five minutes can have such an indelible ethical impact…”(Valenti 18) I thought, “Five minutes…or five seconds?” I am taking Medieval Studies and women’s virginity was paramount.
I think that the parents in the book that protested (and didn’t stop) against the dogmatic teachings and more specifically, the incorrect medical information were a great start. It never occurred to me that “…We are defined by what we don’t do--our ethics are the ethics of passivity” (Valenti 24). It seems like the virginity fetish is obviously tied in to the adoration of girlhood. It reminds me of a major misconception about Asian women looking like little girls in pull-up socks. “I recall wearing baby barrettes in my hair…” (Valenti 72) as well and it did not occur to me that I was participating in the culture and over-glamorized culture of girlhood. It is difficult to take a step because even ideas with good intentions pave our yellow brick road to Hell. I could say that we could demonstrate the beauty of womanhood but somehow that would come to identify and represent a certain unobtainable ideal for some. After reading that “ …Many women seem to believe that their genitals simply aren’t normal”(Valenti 73), it made me think we need to represent beauty in its many different forms because one’s person’s beauty could objectify another person’s.
I was a "prude." I was flirty so I was a "tease." I did not know that I had to deliver something to the boys to be considered good but of course, then I would have been considered bad. A boyfriend lied about sleeping with me (I was a virgin) and I had no idea for years. So, I was a slut. A virgin slut. It's such a conundrum where boys are inappropriate with us and if we respond in any capacity; we're a tease. Screw them and all the boys who sexually joke with me and think I like it and think I'm a bitch if I don't. In fact, years ago this boy tried to ruin my current six-year relationship when it started because I went over to his house (which happened to be my male co-workers shared place). I said the "F" word once or twice and when I finally met my current beau, the roommate of my friend told him that I tried to get with all the guys in the apartment. The sad part is that he REALLY thought that. It never crossed my mind. Later, in public, I asked when we were all going to get together and do the "F" word. Jerk.
When I was in high school, the “Secondary Virginity” concept was part of our sex-education classes. I don’t remember much of it other than girls proclaiming their secondary virginity and the boys got to pass around “Tommy Testicle” to check for lumps. They of course, were segregated from the girls. I found the book so far to be disturbing because it did not occur to me to think about abstinence-only education in that way. I agreed with the author and it makes me reflect further on what to teach my daughter. Certainly, we need to explain the proper uses of birth control because as the studies have shown, lying to our children doesn’t work. We need to help the young girls, who are thirteen, want to have a baby and prostitute themselves. After all, what perpetuated that?
I immediately thought along the lines of “Integrity Balls” when I thought about virginity and boys. It seemed to me that boys were wanted to keep their virginity so that the girls would be safe. It’s like thinking, “Here’s a guy I can ALMOST trust around our daughters.” It kind of sickened me. “Instead of pledging their virginities to their mothers, however, the young men and boys in this ball vow not to sully someone’s daughter or future wife” (Valenti 67). That seems to be the main time that boys are held accountable but it still as if we hold the major commodity. “Making women the sexual gatekeepers and telling men they just can’t help themselves not only drives home the point that women’s sexuality is unnatural, but also sets up a disturbing dynamic in which women are expected to be responsible for men’s sexual behavior”(Valenti 109). The part of the book so far that has impacted me the most was when the author said “…But I fail to see how anything that lasts less than five minutes can have such an indelible ethical impact…”(Valenti 18) I thought, “Five minutes…or five seconds?” I am taking Medieval Studies and women’s virginity was paramount.
I think that the parents in the book that protested (and didn’t stop) against the dogmatic teachings and more specifically, the incorrect medical information were a great start. It never occurred to me that “…We are defined by what we don’t do--our ethics are the ethics of passivity” (Valenti 24). It seems like the virginity fetish is obviously tied in to the adoration of girlhood. It reminds me of a major misconception about Asian women looking like little girls in pull-up socks. “I recall wearing baby barrettes in my hair…” (Valenti 72) as well and it did not occur to me that I was participating in the culture and over-glamorized culture of girlhood. It is difficult to take a step because even ideas with good intentions pave our yellow brick road to Hell. I could say that we could demonstrate the beauty of womanhood but somehow that would come to identify and represent a certain unobtainable ideal for some. After reading that “ …Many women seem to believe that their genitals simply aren’t normal”(Valenti 73), it made me think we need to represent beauty in its many different forms because one’s person’s beauty could objectify another person’s.
Comments
Great post! Very thought provoking!